You Are Not the Driver

by Nikki G.

When I was 15 and naïve I mapped out my life. I said I would graduate high school, go to college at the University of Alabama, meet the man of my dreams, fall in love, get a ring by the spring of my senior year, graduate, teach kindergarten and start a family by 28. Let’s all laugh for a moment at the fact three out of eight things happened or will hopefully be happening within a few short months. With reality in check, I am 4 months away from graduating with an Early Childhood degree from Tennessee Tech, no idea in the world what I am going to do if I don’t land a job after graduation and here I am no boyfriend, not even a crush in mind. My life is dramatically different than what my 15 year old self thought it would be like. At fifteen and still at twenty-one I feel that a little bit of vulnerability can go a long way, so here’s the words that have been trapped inside my heart for a while now.  

For the past month or so almost every day you get on social media, whether it be Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat, and up pops one engagement after the other and it seems like every person but you is spending New Years with their significant other, posting pictures left and right and just like all of the other years you are smacked in the face with the reminder that you are single. To be honest that feeling is a harsh sting of reality for some and just like some of you, I fall right dab in the middle of it all and I am exhausted. I am drained, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Over the last year I have been in a constant battle with the emotion of loneliness because of my singleness, and as hard as I try to avoid it, this feeling undeniably worsens around the holiday season. I'm exhausted with this continuous feeling that being in a relationship is going to bring me the joy I want, the happiness I am seeking daily and that it will bring me some sort of satisfaction that I don't already have, when in reality I am a few months shy of having made a life changing decision aka the best decision of my life. Two years ago, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, my eyes had been opened to the only person in this life that will ever satisfy me beyond my belief and bring me the joy that I am seeking on a daily basis from the things of this world. I cannot ask or expect any man to walk into my life and fill up these “holes” that I have dug by being insecure and lonely, with attributes that only God can. A topic that was constant with one of my roommates from this summer was the topic of relationships and something she said over and over again definitely stuck with me since the first time she said it laying in our cramped hotel room at the River Lodge South. She brought up that I should be 100% satisfied and content with God and His ultimate authority over my life before even considering being in a relationship and I should never be content with anything other than that. And if I am completely honest I am just not at that point in my life, no matter how many times I try to convince myself and the people around me that I am. I am fantasized with this idea of control and manipulation of events leading to a relationship in my life. The past few months I have been blinded by this struggle of maybe if I walk this way to class, post this picture or share this article of who my "ideal and perfect husband is" this guy or that guy will get the hint and finally notice me. I have been living what I thought was an easy life but in reality has created a lot of bitterness and turmoil in my heart because my eyes have been closed to the truth. I’ve been living by the lie that I am in the driver seat when ultimately I am the passenger. God is the driver, he is in complete and utter control of the turns my life has taken and will take. He knows me, Nikki Gomez, in an intimate way, he cares for me in a deep and personal way. When I wander from him, God seeks me, he has welcomed me into his house. He cares about my future. He hasn’t abandoned me and handed me the reigns of this life. He has said to me multiple times “Nikki, stop holding on, let it go, you are not in control. I am.” With much self-reflection, heart checks and prayer, God has laid it upon my heart to make the commitment to surrender. Surrendering means to submit to authority. So I am making the choice to surrender it all to Jesus, laying all of it down at the altar. I am surrendering all of my future not just the things I am okay with not being in control over. I commit to surrendering my entire future, whether that be what to do after graduation career wise or, where to live, or what county to work in or who my, God willing, husband will be.  I know that I am not in control of any of it no matter how I try to manipulate it, twist or turn it. My perfect, gracious and loving Father has my life perfectly mapped out according to His plan and I am so excited to finally stop working myself to death trying to find answers to something my Father has already chosen. So here's to the year of letting go and surrendering full heartedly to the God of my heart and the one that brings me everlasting joy.

So you’re probably wondering why I just sat and wrote this all out to a bunch of people that I have known for a total of three days but it is because I want you to examine your heart, list out the things that you are idolized and seeking joy in. My prayer to people who feel a similar way, men and women, is that you do the same thing. Surrender. Allow God to be the driver and take the passenger seat. I pray that you let go of the reigns. That you let go of this timeline of your life that you have mapped out in your brain. That you let go of the like that just because you haven’t achieved the things you thought at 15 you would have done or been on your way to accomplishing that you are a failure or that you are not good enough or not worthy of it. I pray that you are reminded that the Lord is your shepherd, he is not going to guide you where you do not belong because he has drawn out and thought out your life perfectly. He cares for you deeply and loves you more than any other man or woman ever could, would or will love you. Even when it doesn’t make sense, follow him blindly, trust where he is taking you, because he has every second, every hour, every day, every week, every month and every year planned, just for you.